241 Royal Parade
Parkville, VIC, 3052
Beyoncé Giselle Knowles Carter
Saviour of Music and Pop Culture
Parkwood Entertainment, New York City
29th March 2017
Dear Mrs. Carter, I’m writing this to express my interest to become one of your soon-to-be-born twins. I found out about this opportunity as I happened to have your Instagram account on alert in my phone.
I believe I would be Irreplaceable in this position for a few reasons. Firstly, I have extensive experience representing and defending Your brand, such as signing up for a Tidal account immediately after Lemonade dropped. Another example would be for all the times that I personally e-mailed the Academy myself, whenever your brilliant work is passed on in favour of another “artist”. (The Academy, however, has only responded once, calling me “Crazy in Love” with you. If I Were a Boy, my logical reasonings would never be deduced to that conclusion.) Secondly, I consider myself a perfectionist; I won’t stop until everything is ***Flawless and ready in Formation. Thirdly, I can tell you that we will go along very well, as I always carry hot sauce in my bag, swag.
Being one of your twins would be the greatest opportunity to ever arise since that time Doughnut Time opened a pop-up shop in the CBD and gave out free doughnuts to everyone. Directly learning from the woman who self-handedly created booties on TV would be the highest honour anyone could bestow upon me. Not to mention, I admire the fact that you’re the ultimate Survivor, as you sacrificed yourself, selflessly, carrying two other people’s careers for years before finally breaking free. Last but not least, I wouldn’t be who I am now if you have never shown the world that Girls, yes Girls, can indeed Run the World.
I’m available for interviews from 7-11 pm most days, GMT + 11. The best way to contact me would be my instagram @theagathacelia. Slide into my DM’s and I will screenshot it and send it to everyone I know.
Agatha Santosa (soon to be Knowles Carter)